Anotherr little thingg tell me if youuu like be honest..and give me some hints to what i should do to it?

only 14..be niccee





When I woke up that day, I had no idea my life was going to change for good. That was the day I met him. It was that year, that made my life what it is. I will never forget that day its like speaking, once you learn how, you can’t forget. I remember waking up, screaming from the terror of starting a new school for the fifth time. I am never in one school long enough to remember my teachers name. This is all due to my father. My father is the most irresponsible person I think I ever met, but nothing like my mother. If I met her she would be the most irresponsible person. She left when I was three, and now she is like a multi-billionaire and wants nothing to do with my existence. Screwed. right? My father can’t pay rent too long before we get evicted, and now here we are Orlando, Florida. Great. A bunch of sporty, blonds flashing too much cleavage to perverted one minded guys.

One the bus alone? I guess everyone has there flashy convertibles. In this crowd I stood out like a sore thumb. All these blond girls in white tanks with the breast popping and there shorts so short there *** is showing. Its so degrading. And all the guys are wearing stupid tanks showing off there so called muscles. I swear I was the only one wearing jeans, I guess I’m still used to the cold weather in Maine.

“Hi” some perky blond with bouncy curlfs comes right up to me “I’m Clara Constentino I’m a junior, you know like you! Oh my god, maybe we will have classes together. How amazing would that be!” This girl wouldn’t shut up. “OH! Damn I’m being rude, you are?”

“Kaylin, but please call me Kay ”

“ Oh such a pretty name”

Then I seen him. He was gorgeous. I swear the only boy here with brown hair. His hair was short but not like a buzz cut. His cheekbones were high and prominent. His is eyes were brown, icy and mean. He had a snarl on his face, but that didn’t make him any less beautiful. He was tall and thin, but defiantly not lanky. His white polo clung nicely to his body just enough to see his muscle undertone. I got so caught up in the amazement in his face, I didn’t realize the girl who had her arm tightly secured around his waist. I didn’t know this guy but in that instance, I wanted to know him.

“Hello Kaylin? Did you hear me”Anotherr little thingg tell me if youuu like be honest..and give me some hints to what i should do to it?
I wasn't sure what to say about this, but then I read Lunacy's comment, and they were spot on. It feels like you recently read twilight, and that inspired you to write a story. I'm not saying that that is a bad thing, but from experience, when a story is written in this tone, it can only turn out to follow a generic and usually cheesy pattern.
This question is way too longAnotherr little thingg tell me if youuu like be honest..and give me some hints to what i should do to it?
You posted this before, and someone said it sounded "Twilightish". Let me clarify why.

You have a girl who moved to a new place, thus moving to a new school. Somehow, she almost instantly finds a friend, and at that moment, she also spies a handsome boy who is described as "gorgeous", "icy" and "beautiful".



Sound familiar?



Now, obviously, it's hard to judge before reading more, but from what I've seen, that's the impression I get.



To elaborate on what Kelsey said, I agree, you shouldn't make the mom a billionare. If she has that much money she is likely well-known, at least within her own business sphere, and not taking care of her daughter AT ALL would leave very bad impressions. No doubt news would spread and her career would be ruined.

Besides, as the wealthier divorced parent, she would be required by law to send a monthly check to the father for the girl's care and well-being.
...what was the question again?

oh what should you do to it...its a story?

i like it. i actually read the whole thing i dont usually read. maybe make the mom not a billionaire thats unlikelyAnotherr little thingg tell me if youuu like be honest..and give me some hints to what i should do to it?
lmao idk it wus funny for me

cus its a story right? i thought it was

about your life for a min

ahaha. this kind of reminded me of the

book "speak" o.o

but i like it good job :D and

you write so good for a 14 yr old
its good and i would take it some what slow make her hesitant and cautios for now. this bimbo thats talking to her should turn up being a girl who never fit in and wants nothing more then friends like the main character. i believe they should form a unique bond and with the relationship between the guy and girl i would do something unique like make him nice but firm, rich but sweet and comes across as poor and also make him lonely for some real people not these beach bimbos and muscle clad jocks. but also make him a jock



and for a 14 year old its real good and i hope you keep it up and dont ever give up im 23 and im writing my first full length novel just make sure your grammer and penmenship is better then mine as well as your spelling
Oh my gosh, you are very talented for a 14 year old girl. I can not believe that you are so TALENTED...i am actually kinda jealous.

As long as you are aware of the fact that this story seems a lot like twilight and avoid copying it i am sure you will become a famous and admired author.



As long as you stick to it i am sure that someone will want to publish your work. I do belive that you need to rethink your storyline though. Just steer clear of twilight. I am so glad that you have such a talent for writing



I can't wait to read your books.