Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Constructive Criticism, Please?

The first chapter to this story was so much better than what I wrote a few days ago. I don't think I put enough work into it/wrote it too quickly. I feel disappointed with this, the second chapter:



02



The remainder of my summer would either turn out to be a sand-filled, sun-burned nightmare, or some sea-side, sandcastle dream-come-true you only see in films. I didn't expect much action at all, except visiting family or talking to friends from back home over the phone. As I got older each summer seemed to become even more bland and forgettable than the last, which is why I had no high expectations to begin with. However, none of that would stop me from attempting to make the best of it, even in a new place. I guess you could say I was keeping positive... or at least trying.



The weather was nice during our first two days in town. The nights were cool, and the days were warm. But on this particular Thursday the heat was almost unbearable, and there wasn't much that could be done about it on the car ride to my aunt and uncle's house. Even rolling the windows down couldn't solve the problem, because of how humid the air was. So instead I settled for fanning myself with an old issue of People magazine I'd found lying on the floor of the passengers seat.



Sonny let out a sigh. "I'm hot."



I turned to the back seat and got a good look at him. His blonde hair was tangled, just like it always was, because he refused to let anyone run a comb through it. Even my mother. It was rather long for a boy to have it, even if long hair was popular. People never seemed to let that escape them. Sometimes, out on the streets, when Sonny and I would go out for ice cream or to the park back in Texas, strangers would say things, like: "Whoa, little man, you need a haircut" or "Did you see that kids hair?" It took some getting used to, is all.



His large, aquamarine eyes were staring out the car window, lost in the scenery. That was the only thing we shared when it came to looks, our eyes.



I let out a bitter laugh. "And you think I'm not?" As I spoke I thought I would burst out into tears at any moment from how restless and trapped I felt. Not just being in the car, but being in Maine. Away from home, friends, and everything I'd ever known. I was trying to make things easier for my mother, because I knew that Maine is where she needed to be. If moving all the way to Cumberland would make her happy, then so be it. Growing up, I was less than grateful about all of the sacrifices my mother had, had to make for Sonny and me, and this was my vain way of repaying her, making things easier.



"We're almost there," Mom announced. "Just hold on a few more minutes. I'm sure the house is nice and fresh."



:::::



Everyone was standing outside when we arrived. "Are they waiting for us?" Sonny asked. My mother didn't say anything, but I too wanted to know why they stood on the front yard. Mostly because I felt uncomfortable as they watched us getting off the car; it's like we were putting on a show and they were the audience. Perhaps I was being ridiculous, but any small thing could pester me with how irritated I already felt thanks to the weather. I guess today just wasn't my day.



My aunt grinned, ear to ear, as we walked toward her. She pulled Sonny, who stood closest to her, into a hug. "I haven't seen you since you were a little baby!" She turned to me. "And look at you, Agnes, you're practically a woman!" I kept my distance and sent her a small smile. "Hi Gaby. Yeah, it's been a long time," I said.



"Sabrina, how are you?"



"I'm great!" Mom was absolutely glowing. "I'm so glad I came back. You know, I almost changed my mind..." she trailed off.



I turned away from them and took in the view. The house was close to the beach, very close. Outside it was all sand, and in the distance you could see the gleaming ocean. I thought that was neat, because anyone who lived their or close by could just walk on over, while the house we'd moved into was further into town and not at a walking distance.



"Hey Agnes," my cousin, Duncan, said shyly, in the nasally voice I recalled hearing many times before over the phone on birthdays and holidays.



I smiled as best I could. "Hi Duncan."



I noticed he wasn't alone. Three other boys stood a few feet away, underneath an old tree and eyeing us. I crossed my arms, wishing I'd worn something different. I was clad in a black tank top, jean shorts, and converse. Nothing too plain or out-there, but still enough to make me squirm a bit.



"Long time no see, huh?"



"Um -" out of the corner of my eye I noticed my aunt and mom stepping inside, Sonny following close behind them. "I think I'm going inside," I said.



Constructive Criticism, Please?
So I'm just going to say somethings that bothered me or sounded wrong. This is just my opinion if it sounds right to you than go ahead =]

"or some sea-side, sandcastle dream-come-true you only see in films" It doesn't sound right, Maybe try sandcastle dream-come-true the kind of thing you see in films.

" I guess you could say I was keeping positive... or at least trying." Again doesn't sound right to me Staying instead of keeping?

"I was less than grateful about all of the sacrifices my mother had, had to make for Sonny and me" I think there should only be one had.



That's basically all, Some things with punctuation but nothing more. I actually liked this and I think you should continue! It's really good and descriptive . Remember this is just my opinion we probably have different writing styles.
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